I wonder...

   well, Papa.. it's me. your birthday is coming up. And, it's been almost 6 months. There's not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I wonder why? Why did you have to go? But then, I know why. God called you. That's what we're here for. To someday go there. But you're missed. I wonder what would it be like to be able to ask you questions that I have? I wonder what it would be like to not have an ache in my heart when I think of Grandma by herself or when I think of going to the house on Paulette Rd. I wonder what it would be like to not have our family circle started in Heaven. I wonder what it would be like to know I still have your support and prayers every day. But yet, I think I do. I think they live on. I hope so anyway. My friends talk about their grandpas and I wish mine hadn't left. I wonder what it would be like to think of harvest and the farm and not have a pit in my stomach. And randomly asking Grandma if I can come for lunch with her and Dallas and Seth and not have something missing. It won't ever be the same. It feels like so much change is going on now or coming up and I don't like it. I want things to stay the same, I guess, but I know they won't. That's not how life works. The cousins are getting married and having babies and what I'd really like to do is go back about 10 years and play doctor like we did so much when we came over. And we had everybody we needed, right there. And we thought they would be forever. I wonder what it would be like to have memories that don't end in a church service that has a huge bouquet of red roses and ends with goodbye. I wonder what it would be like to know I could come home from Edmonton and see you again. I wonder what it would be like to hear One Step At a Time without tearing up. How can that be one of my favorite songs yet one I dread the most? I wonder what it would be like to know I could come over and talk again and somehow you knew what I needed to hear. Sometimes you told me things that I didn't think I necessarily needed to hear, but looking back I did. I don't know what else to say. I brought a copy of your sermon with me here.. about living free.. I pull it out every once in awhile and am so thankful I can look back and be encouraged to keep on..  I wish you were here. I guess all I can say is I'll set my face like a flint and walk right onto the Promised Land like you told me to one of those last days at your house.. And I'll treasure the memories I do have because they are very precious. And I'll thank God we had you as long as we did.