to my Papa ♥️

  Hi Papa… I wish you were here. There’s so many things I’ve wanted to write but now it all might leave me. What would you tell us, if you could tell us something? I’m sure you would tell us to hold on, it’s so worth it…

   I wrote something to you before the funeral but it felt so desperate. As if I was so depressed and there was no way to go on. And I just want you to know that’s not how I feel now. It’s not how you would have wanted me to feel and it’s not how I wanted to feel, either. I suppose there’s a middle of the road, where I can say what I miss about you and why I wish you were still here without having that desperate, panicky feeling. So here I am...

  Who am I supposed to talk to when there’s something bothering me? There’s many other people that would be willing to listen, I’m sure. But there’s nobody quite like my papa… and when I/we go to Grandma’s for lunch and Dallas and Seth are there, it’s just so different without you.. I know you didn’t come to Mexico just for me when I was there, but it was special to be there with you and grandma, in the place you loved and talked about so much.. who’s going to jabber spanish to grandma so most of us can’t catch on what you’re saying? I was out at the shop the other day and I just can’t believe you won’t ever be back out there. How can this be reality? 

  I loved knowing you were always there for me whatever I was going through and the thought that you won’t be there is almost too much for me. Through big things in my life I want you there.. but now you’re so free like we’ve talked about. When we went to the funeral home Monday, it kindof struck me how you are just so peacefully resting. All cares and worries past.. Sunday evening we went to Grandma’s instead of going to church and we listened to part of the last sermon you preached. It was about the night and the fears the night brings and putting them on a shelf and leaving them there with our Savior.. you talked about living free like the Lord wants us to. Papa I need you to help me.. is that selfish of me or what..? The night is not fun now. I never have liked the dark but it’s worse now.. my fears seems so much more real at night. But I keep remembering the song that impressed you and they sang it on your funeral.. “I made the night so you will trust in Me, I made the night so you could place Your hand in Mine”. You should have heard them on the funeral. They did a super job on the songs and they sang out. You would have liked it. They also sang One Step at a Time. That’s been our “theme” ever since it inspired you too, the first of the week you were home. We all have to just take one step at a time on this journey. It’s hard. The other evening when things looked really dark, the part that says “with His hand in mine, I can face the future” stood out to me and that’s sooo true. He makes it all bearable and He makes a way through.

    The casket spray was mostly all red roses. You would have thought it was pretty. There were over 70 of them I think. There’s been a certain peace through this whole thing, papa. And you looked so good and so peaceful, it definitely helped. Another song they sang was Somewhere in the Skies and I really liked 2 parts of it. The first where it says ‘roses never die’, since you liked roses.. and they sang it at the committal service so the last word they sang that morning was ‘Heaven’. It seemed so fitting… And all the hand-holding we all were doing in the last week? All I wanted to do was stand there and hold your hand and it felt like just a tad bit of normal in the midst of the uncertainty and the rough feelings and emotions that came with the funeral and so many memories and so many people, constantly. I never thought there would be such an invisible tug when I drive by the cemetery now, sometimes I just have to stop and walk out there to you. At the committal service, Leo said something about feeling your spirit here with us, not as in the spirit world as such but just your presence I guess. And I do. We do.. I can go out there and that’s just my Papa that I’m with.

Also how come we didn’t ever hear about you running races like a maniac? I wish I could ask you about some of the things people talked about in the memories. I’m sure we’d all get a good chuckle out of it all. You would try to play it off like it was nothing spectacular…

  Church is where it really hits. It almost feels like you’ve just gone to Mexico for a little while but then reality sinks in.. And I miss you… I think there were plenty of tears Sunday morning and not just from me.. you were loved here… Don Penner preached that morning about the verse in Isaiah that talks about treasures in the darkness. He asked if we could find treasures even in this darkness of grieving.. and you know what? We can. I don’t know if I could have said that 2 weeks ago but I can now. All the messages and flowers and love we felt is a treasure. The last few talks I had with you and just walking your journey with you is a treasure. Like Don said, we probably would be happier if this hadn’t happened, but now we have treasures we wouldn’t have if it hadn’t happened. Even if they come at such a high price.. 

Your humor poked out several times and I’ll miss it. We definitely needed the laughs we had in the last week or so there at your house.. You submitted to God’s plan even when you wanted things to be different. You are my role model in your faith and complete trust in God. I hope I can be the same when things come up that aren’t exactly on my to-do list. 

   I’m so glad you are my Papa. Thankyou for believing in me and praying for me. I miss you so much.. I wish you were here.. But I will meet you over There sometime..